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At some point in our years of viewing professional sports we’ve all said it: “I could do just as badly as this bum but I’d only ask for half the money!!”
Every one of our heroes has had a home stand where they hit .167 and left 19 guys on base. Or went through a stretch where their save percentage more closely resembled your grade in high school algebra. Or completed his first 3 passes of the game but all were caught by members of the opposing team. Or had a night where their turnovers equaled more than their points, assists and rebounds put together.
Pro Athletes Who Have It Made
So in light of our continuing suspension of disbelief when it comes to our perceived performances on the professional stage when one of our heroes crumbles, I would like to offer the jobs in pro sports that any of us couch potatoes could conceivably handle.
BASEBALL
Alfredo Simon – CLOSER (Baltimore Orioles)
2010 Salary – $400,000
Granted, a team that currently sits with a .311 winning percentage (good for worst in the majors) wouldn’t seem to have too much use for a dedicated “closer”, but that currently remains Simon’s job title.
Simon Waits For Save Opportunities That Rarely Come in Baltimore
So what does Simon do for his $400,000? Well, so far this year, there have been 11 appearances, 11 Innings Pitched, 1 Win, 1 Loss, a 3.27 ERA and 6 Saves in 7 opportunities. Not necessarily mind-numbingly bad numbers, but let’s be honest – you or I could fill this role. How can I say that? Easy. BALTIMORE ORIOLES CLOSER!!! The phrase truly is an oxymoron.
The O’s have 14 wins in 45 games and Alfredo has appeared in only 25% of those games while earning a Save in only 14% of them. Let’s face it, if you’re in Alfredo’s shoes, you’re not in danger of wearing out the soles from beating a path to the mound. And considering he’s signed for only one year, I’d willingly take $400,000 (hell throw me $200,000) and get tossed to the lions for a batter here, an inning there, once every four games. There’s no pressure and what’s more: NO EXPECTATIONS. You’re there to fill a roster spot …. much like our friend Alfredo.
Now comes the news that Simon is day-to-day after injuring his hamstring while attempting to cover first base during Sunday’s game vs. Washington. That’s what inactivity will do to you.
HOCKEY
Yann Danis – GOALTENDER (New Jersey Devils)
2009-10 Salary – $500,000
Take A Load Off Yann - Brodeur's Got Your Back
First the stats. Only TWICE since the ‘94-’95 season has Martin Brodeur played in less than 70 regular-season games. Once was ‘96-’97 when he only played in 67 and the other was the ‘08-’09 season when he got injured and only played in 31. If you take the injury-shortened season out of the equation, Brodeur has averaged over 73 games played over the past 14 seasons. That leaves only about 10 games (we’ll assume the backup got pulled at least once) for the Devils’ second-stringer.
So in 2009-10, Danis collected a half-million dollar paycheque when all he had to do in return was appear in 12 games, play 467 minutes (less than 8 full games) and deliver 3 wins. 3 WINS!!!! Playing behind that team’s defence, a cardboard cut out could rack up 3 wins. I’d gladly pocket that chump change to put on some brand new goalie equipment and join the Devils for a season knowing full well that my new gear would never be in danger of getting worked in.
Danis, who’s set to become a free agent on July 1st, has stated that he would like to return to New Jersey next season. No kidding.
FOOTBALL
Tavaris Jackson – QUARTERBACK (Minnesota Vikings)
2009 Salary – $540,330
Tavaris Went From Starter to Sideline Watcher
Now we come to the Martin Brodeur back-up dilemma – NFL version: playing second string to Brett Favre. Now playing the role of ‘Yan Danis’ will be Vikings’ backup QB Tavaris Jackson.
Jackson, a 2nd round pick (64th overall) by the Vikings in 2006 out of Alabama State, has been the backup in Minnesota every season except for 2007 when he started 12 of the team’s 16 games. After losing his starting job to Favre last season, Tavaris did little to earn his half-million dollar salary in ‘09, merely appearing in 5 games (0 starts, thanks to Favre’s durability), finishing 10-for-15 for 159 yds, 1 TD and 0 INT while also adding in 9 rushing attempts for –2 yards.
Jackson appears on this list because when you take a big picture look at those numbers, how much did those 15 pass attempts mean in the grand scheme of the Vikings season? Exactly. If Favre wants to play another season, sign me up to play second fiddle and I’ll only ask for $200,000 plus $50,000 for every completion.
For now, Tavaris is forced to wait and see if Favre will come back. If not, he’ll actually earn his money for a change.
BASKETBALL
DeMarre Carroll – FORWARD (Memphis Grizzlies)
2009-10 Salary – $1,009,680
Now coming to a final decision on who from the NBA would grace this list was by far the toughest player to decide on. Do you go by most DNPs (Did Not Play)? Do you go by salary vs. minutes played? I decided to try and find the guy that makes close to (or over) a million dollars while playing in most of his team’s games – albeit not for long stretches.
Life in the NBA Isn't Always As Sweet - Except For The Money
That brings us to DeMarre Carroll. A rookie out of Missouri, Carroll was stuck behind Rudy Gay at Forward this past season, forcing him to come off the bench. His million-dollar return for the Grizzlies? 71 Games Played (1 start) while averaging about 11 minutes of playing time.
But the thing that solidified Carroll’s place on this list for me, was how he spent those 11 minutes per game – mostly just occupying space on the floor while using up oxygen that otherwise could have been used by players who actually had a hand in the outcome. The final tally at season’s end: a whopping 2.9 points per game, 2.1 rebounds per game, 0.5 assists, 0.4 steals and 0.1 blocks.
Those numbers get you $1,000,000? Got to get my agent in touch with the Grizz front office. Stat.
TSJ wants to know – which athletes do you think have the ‘cushiest’ jobs?
